The Rants & Rave of a Fool!

the only time I seem to post is when I’m upset. Believe me friends, I’m not sad or emotional everyday and I sure have no wish for death or to bring misery to this world, however, here I am again, writing on my blog because I’ve lost someone very special!

Tami Lewis-Benson has passsed away, 12-10-11 to my knowledge. She died after a 7 week bout with Cancer. She lived 51 years of life and ended it with a trip to Italy with her husband and Mother/Father.  She came home, wasn’t feeling well and quickly left the courts. All I know is that my friend wasn’t well and for the remaining time of her life they tried to find out why. What was going on, who was doing what and how things were finally discovered aren’t as important as the fact that they did find out with enough time for her to say her goodbyes to her family. You can thank whatever god you believe in for that. Tami was so wonderful that she deserved the opportunity for those last few days.

We attended the funeral, of which she requested a “Celebration of Life” . Just knowing my friend was a celebration. She was so happy, willing to contribute and gave everything she had to everyone she knew. She invested herself 110%. What an amazing woman to take away from this world. It seemed that the world itself was sad with her passing. The sky was gloomy and cloudy from the day she died until after 400+ people laughed during her ceremony and then the sun came out. The world was once again relieved of its pain and although this didn’t bring my friend back, it was comforting to us after sharing this common time.

Tami was my friend. I’ll never forget her and I will think of her whenever the opportunity arises. I made the following video for her. it turned out pretty good and given more time, better pictures and more songs, I could have really gone to town but I wanted it done by the morning of the funeral. This is the Tami I knew…

ok, so I’ve written a few times since my last post “Dear Mom”. I didn’t publish them because, lets face it, how do you go on without your mom? I’ve never had a dad, so I’ve moved in a few guys to fill that spot, with or without their permission.

Walter Royston, the first dad I really knew. He taught me how to chew with my mouth closed, not to put my elbows on the table and to try and take care of my stuff. He had socks and underwear older than I was?  These ideals enforced with some type of physical violence (a.k.a. child abuse) yet I still have a feeling of love or caring when I think of him. I remember living with him across the street from Sparks High School in Sparks Nv and then behind the Pepper Mill in Reno, Nv. The lessons I learned were valuable and basic common sense that children don’t realize when they are young. I actually looked for him a couple of times via the internet. I probably could have looked harder, using $$$, but I didn’t. I bet he has some old pictures I would like, or at least I hope he does if he is still alive. Then again, I remember the time he crushed my mom’s ankle and abuse she took being with him. I used to be angry and want to go find him and treat him the way he treated my mom but that has faded. She is gone and if he was still around, I’d feel a bit safer because although he was an abusive asshole, he was my first dad and now that my mom is gone, I’d like to see him.

My mom wasn’t the type to date left and right or be some type of ho that had another guy everytime the last relationship ended. I don’t know any other romantic relationship my mom had, althoug I’m sure there were. I remember living in a VERY small studio apartment behind Bob & Gina’s house. One night she came home and went into the bathroom. I could hear her crying and when she opened the door I could see that her shirt and bra were ripped and her mascara was running. She had been mugged in Reno and she told me that after that ordeal the police made her find her own way home. From what she says and what I know of Reno, she had to go 10+ miles before she made it home and could be alone to let out the fear and emotion she held in.This memory still haunts me to this day. I was only a little boy, maybe 6, but I remember wishing I could protect my mommy. I remember wishing I could have been there to drive her home safe and sound. Those days are gone. Now, after all that has happened, I just miss her and wish that I had been a better son for so many other reasons…

getting back to the dad thing…

Dave Tarabini, a cool guy that was in love with a single mom I had met. He was a really mellow guy who loved his lady and took care of her family. Maybe more of a brother, but still a father figure that I admired. He lent me some nice clothes to wear to a high school dance, I didn’t belong but that is another story, so I’ve kinda felt like he was a dad type to me. Lets not mention that now, as I write this, he has 5 of his own children + 2 more step kids.

my old boss Wayne, who apparently had some type of episode or breakdown that really fucked him up. He was a cool guy that seem to have his shit together. I worked for him for about 5 years. I really admired him. He was responsible, smart and took care of his daugher. Why would something so crappy happen to him? I wonder what did happen to him? The last time I saw him was at Club Calpella and something was really wrong with him. I can only imagine that something really bad happened, something so terrible that he couldnt’ deal with it and now he’s on permanent valium? I learned how to work hard and do your best from him. I learned that you work hard and do your best because it means something to someone. I hope whatever happened, he is ok and that his life is liveable and he is happy!

I’m out of steam but I think this post will suffice. I still feel sad and cry when I think of my mom but that should be normal. God Knows how much I love my mom, I hope she does too. I didn’t do what she asked, I didn’t listen to what she said but I did love her with all of my heart and now that she is gone I think I’m trying to find the next best thing.

Someday Brandy & I will do what you asked and I will have a final resting place to think of you at. Till then, we’ll keep on keeping on.

To clarify, my actual father’s name is suppsed to be “Melvin Emert”? A married man who thought he’d have an affair with a cocktail waitress from a casino in Sparks? The details are vague and I really don’t know the whole truth. What I’ve been told is that he already had a family and may have actually met me a time or two. In my eyes he is some type of jerk that didn’t take care of his responsibility so fuck him! Is this the truth, who really knows anymore..

The End!

You died on a rainy and cold Wednesday. It was March 23rd. I had to do some banking after work and I was upset because you told them to stop treating you so I went next door to my bank and had a beer. Once I had a moment to calm down, I call Veronica and told her that we had to go to Ukiah to see you again. For the last 10 years you’ve been horribly sick and every time you went to the hospital I came running. This time I told V not to get off early but to come straight home so we could go to Ukiah and see you. You’d be happy to know my wife didn’t listen to me and got off work almost immediately to come home and get me. This time I was too late, this time things were as serious as I had worried all those times before. At 5:09pm, as V and I were driving through Healdsburg, Brandy sent me a text message “She’s Gone”. You left without me. I should have stayed the night, taken a day off work but you’ve been sick for so long and every time you bounced back. I had imagined your death many times but each time I was there, I was holding your hand and you knew how much I loved you. I never imagined you’d just die, asleep on morphine, not knowing that your children loved you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there Mom. I do love you! There isn’t anymore more important to me. You just always seemed so disappointed with me. I did what I could do to make things better for us everyday. I work non stop, I do what I think is right towards everyone and everything but there I was, on Highway 101 when you died.

Today, April 2nd, is a beautiful and sunny day in which Brandy opened her home to people to come pay their last respects. I counted 17 candles lit for you. I didn’t say a prayer as much as I thought of you and tried to send you my love. Your body is now in a dictionary sized box, sitting in Brandy’s living room. Her friend mentioned chunks in the box, god that is gross! You baby girl is being so strong mom. it must be hard to have you there, like that, and know she’s never going to see you again. She took care of you, took you places and gave you love you needed so much then. I feel guilty. I tried to work, make a life for myself and I didn’t see you enough. I guess I have always been pretty selfish but I thought you’d understand? Today, I played tennis with a good friend. I really needed to let off some steam and it would only make me a little late for Brandy’s house. I didn’t want to go. I don’t want to say good bye to you with a bunch of strange people I neither know or care for. Everytime I think of you, I say goodbye. I’ve been saying goodbye for 10 years. I’ve known what was wrong would never be fixed, I just didn’t realize you would leave with out me? You were always so strong, stubborn as well, and I know that Brandy & I are the most important things to you. I thought you’d hold out, regardless, to make sure to see us one more time before you left. I guess that was what you did the night before? You held out, kept your wits as much as possible and then after kissing your kids, you gave up.

Do you remember when I was a little boy and I would promise that I would be a rich lawyer and buy you a limo with a driver so you wouldn’t have to work or drive yourself around. I’m sorry i didn’t keep that promise. I’m sorry I didn’t make your life the way I always dreamed. You lived a horrible life over the last 10 years and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it better. I know that Danni-Rae, Geraldine, Kylie and Jacob made your life a bit better. I hope you keep a close eye on them! Danni especially! We wont’ raise our kids the way you raised us, we’ll do things differently and they won’t know the things we knew as children, but they could still use a little angel on their shoulders helping them do the right thing and not get in too deep.

You know, Kay Frances, if there is a heaven, you better be there. Life was too tough on you not to be. You were so beautiful before we came along and aged you so quickly. I hope we can find some more pictures of you as a young person. The one we have is so nice but you’re not looking at the camera, you’re looking down. I’ll have to check with the school you graduated and see if we can get a yearbook or at least a copy of the pictures of you, if there are any. When I die, there will only be one lame picture of me as a freshman and no others.

I feel a bit better after typing this rambling mess. I have to really concentrate on you to let out the emotions I’m feeling of you being gone. No one is happy you died but I am so relieved you aren’t hurting anymore! I can remember one of the first times you got sick and I thought I lost you. Veronica held me while I cried that I didn’t want you to die. I still want you here mom, but not as you were. You hated life. You couldn’t work, you coudlnt’ take care of the kids, you couldn’t even read the books you so loved our entire lives. Not saying “Harlequin” romance novels were the literary master pieces of your time, but they made you happy and that is all that matters. I can still smell the “Taboo” perfume you would wear and see those silly waitress aprons for places like Henny Penny when it was still the truckstop. Lisa, as well as I, can remember going to Landrums (sp?) to work with you all night. I can still picture doing dishes in the back while you cooked and helped customers. When did you start coughing all time? When were you suddenly an old lady who had to work from dusk till dawn, through the following days dawn?

The weekend after you died, Cathy Sissy Becky & Lisa came to be with us. That was a big BLAH that involved too much alcohol, emotions on the edge and insults unforgiven. It seems our family doesn’t mix well and that we all went our separate ways to avoid being hurtful to each other? Your big sister, along with your little ones, love you so much. I really wish you would have spoken with Cathy one more time. You were so damn stubborn. I understand that you were mad at her when she told you to go home when Grandma was dying, I didn’t find that very impressive either, but we were your only chance to get home without mooching off of them. I called Lisa, trying to get phone numbers, so if you would just wake up one more time, I could get them on the phone and you could tell them all you loved them. You must have know because you weren’t waiting for me, you were getting out of dodge before you had to talk to them and realize how scare you were to leave.

I’ll keep an eye on Brandy and the kids but Robbie has got them well in hand so please don’t worry. Geraldine could use your gentle touch from time to time but I’ll do what I can as well. As for me & V, we’re just glad you’re not suffering anymore so don’t worry about us. She takes good care of me mom, like you did when i was a kid, so give Grandma and the other fam a hug from me. I’ll see you guys someday and I hope when i do, you’ll be proud

I love you Kay Frances Warren. Rest in peace.

EDIT 06/28/11
How could you not say goodbye to your only son?